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As a woman in her 20s, I am well acquainted with dating apps, particularly that hub of hookup potential we call Tinder.
Over the years, most of my chats on this platform have followed a similar pattern: small talk, . Dick pic on the screen.
It's a bit full on. I mean, at least wine and dine a girl before showing her your crown jewels.
But this isn't how a lot of men think – for some reason, they think slamming a picture of their genitals onto the chat is guaranteed to result in sex.
Besides, you tend to get desensitised to penis pictures after a while, after being presented with a selection on a regular basis, and it starts to get boring.
Exchanging pictures can be fun, don't get me wrong – but as someone who's getting a bit sick of unlocking their phone and being greeted with a dick, it's about time a few pointers on how to send decent nudes got put out on the Internet.
Believe it or not, there are some techniques that will result in a girl being more likely to respond. Spamming dick pics over and over is not going to get the response of ‘Omg so hot take me now' (unless you're really thirsty, I guess, which is fair enough, but not representative of all women at all times).
In other words, you have to lure us in. Give us something to work with. Make us want that dick pic.
Make sure she's in the mood
The chat could be flowing really well – you've cracked a few jokes, she seemed to genuinely find them funny, and you're thinking about asking her out.
Don't give her a taste of what's to come by zooming in on your penis with your phone camera – that's just going to stop the conversation in its tracks.
No. Try flirting a little first. See if she replies similarly. Then you know it's time to try a little visual action.
Start off slowly
Give her a taster – take your top off. Tease her with some chest hair. See what her response is. If she doesn't seem up for it? Don't go full throttle and whack your dick out. That can wait for another night.
Pro tip: Try sending a picture of your face, if you really want to impress her – girls like looking at someone's eyes before they're presented with a penis. It makes us feel like we're connecting with you.
Don't reveal an entire body part
This is top teasing material. There's a big difference between pulling down your trousers slightly and giving a hint of what's underneath, and throwing your trousers down in front of a bathroom mirror to do a penis photoshoot.
This is foreplay before the real thing – just because you're online, doesn't mean you should treat it any differently. Do you get a girl in the bedroom and immediately whack your dick out? If you do, you're not doing it right. Read our guide on what sex with a good person is like, then come back here.
Avoid spamming photos
Don't give a girl tons of photos at once – it's a bit much, and we're hardly going to be browsing pictures of your dick from various angles while sipping a glass of wine (I mean, some might, but I certainly never have).
Send a few, see what her response is, and who knows? She might even send a few in return. Ooh. Exciting.
Insert some captions or commentary
If you were cracking jokes, send something funny alongside the picture! This will make us feel much more at ease, and like you're sharing something intimate with us for fun, not Gays Tryst just because you want sex.
FYI: You can just want sex – that is what Tinder is about, after all – but at least try to wine and dine us first. Tasteful pics, entertaining commentary. Treat us right.
We hear too many stories about celebrities getting naughty pictures leaked by hackers, and every time this happens, we start panicking about our own secret stash of sultry pictures.
What if ours get hacked? What if we send a picture out that gets passed around, or ends up online?
Here's the bottom line: whenever you prepare to send a picture, ask yourself one question: would you be OK with this being leaked?
I like to question if I'd be down with the picture I've just taken being blown up on a billboard. Would I think ‘F*ck yeah I look hot' or ‘Oh my GOD kill me now'?
Only send promiscuous photos to someone who you trust – because the reality is, you can't guarantee what someone will do with your photo.
Sure, it may seem like a great idea to send a full frontal pic to that super hot guy you matched with, but would you be OK with his mates – or the Internet – seeing it?
Also bear in mind that sending a nude without including your face can still be recognisable – if you have distinctive freckles or tattoos, for example. If in doubt, airbrush it out.
Don't do this by uploading your picture to an editing tool online, though – you've just put your picture on the Internet yourself if you do that.
Make sure your pictures are stored safely – if anyone has pictures of you, make sure they're on a secure device, such as a password-protected USB key.
Do the same for your own pictures – you may want to keep your sexy pictures, but leaving them on your picture library can become disastrous if your friends or family start flicking through your photos….
In other words: send pictures you'd be alright with the world seeing, keep your files on lockdown, and don't spam the ladies your dick. Ta.